You may be surprised…
For fifteen years I have been co-facilitating a court-ordered seminar for parents. The focus of the class is to empower parents with every tool possible to help their children successfully cope with their parents’ divorce or separation. Through the seminar parents exchange ideas and we all come away learning something new to help our own children.
Several years ago one mother spoke of a grave mistake she had made with her children and begged all the other parents not to follow in her error.
Through her tears she asked that we continue to alert other parents.
We have honored that request.
What she did: Every birthday and holiday this mother sent cards and gifts to the children in the father’s name. She wrote loving notes and made special purchases to keep alive the dream of a relationship with daddy.
Why she did it: The father chose not to be involved in the lives of his children and the mother could not let her children be hurt in that way.
How they responded: When the children discovered the deception, they were so angry at their mother for allowing them to live a lie all those years that they would not speak to her.
What she learned: A parent’s relationship with a child is the personal responsibility of each parent. Each parent must show unconditional love to children in his/her own way.
Telling a child that “you know Mommy loves you” and then Mommy beats the child, ignores the child or chooses the internet or her friends over her child sends a completely devastating message to the child. This is love?
Don’t tell a child that Daddy misses her and will see her soon — then the child is left standing at the window, backpack in hand, ready to have Daddy-time. But he never comes. Children are intelligent. Actions do speak louder than words.
As hard as it may be, do not enable the other parent. Don’t lie for him/her. Don’t make excuses.
Let each parent make a child feel loved, secure, accepted and respected. Let each parent say, “I love you.” and mean it. Then show it in the most sincere way possible; not through material goods but through time, cuddles, and walks. Show love by: setting boundaries, follow-throughs, non-judgmental listening and loving “no’s”.
As George Lucas likes to remind us: “The audience is listening.” Well, our mantra can be: “The children are listening”. . . . and watching, and looking and trying to understand that our actions validate our words.
We can only control ourselves. That is both a frightening and freeing truth. This website invites you to be the most loving father/mother/step-father/step-mother you can possibly be. If both parents are on board, fantastic. If at least one parent will be a loving person of integrity on whom a child can rely then, studies show, the child will turn out just fine.
Contributor: Toby Abraham is a school guidance counselor and co-author of “A Brilliant Teacher.”