We get this question a lot!
Question: “What should I say when my child says he doesn’t want to go to the other house?”
Answer: Start by simply rephrasing the question, “You don’t want to go to Mom (Dad’s) house? Tell me about that.” Then listen patiently.
If the child is not forth coming in an explanation, you may try the OARS activity. This exercise was created by educational psychology and counseling expert Dr. Gene Eakin of Oregon State University.
1. “May I ask you a question?” If child responds “no” then simply say, “Okay, maybe some other time,” and walk away. This intrigues them like crazy!
To begin, simply ask a question:
If the child responds “yes” then proceed to grab a piece of paper and draw numbers in a row 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.
2. Now, put your OARS in the water.
O – ask an open-ended question “On a scale of 1-10, one being I don’t want to go at all, 10 being excited. How do you feel about going to Dad/Mom’s house?” Child circles a number.
A – acknowledge “Ah, I see you circled a “3.” “Tell me about that.”
Child then tells you, i.e. “I love Mom, but I miss you when I’m with her and I miss her when I’m with you.” Or “I love Dad, but when I go to his house all he does is work on his computer.” Or “Mom and ________ are having the baby soon. What will happen to me after it’s born? I’m excited for a new baby brother or sister, but where do I fit in?”
R – reflect back what you heard. “So, you love Mom but you miss me when you are at her house?” “So you love Dad, but you wish he would spend time with you when you are there?”
S – summarize. “Well, I asked on a scale of 1-10 how you feel about going to ______ house. You circled 3 and said it was because ______________.
I wonder what would have to happen for you to feel, say, a 6 or and 8 about going to _______ house?” Again, listen patiently and quietly for your child’s answers.